The One Big Talk

  Remember when we were kids and our parents finally sat us down to deliver The One Big Talk? No? You never got The Talk? You were simply handed a bunch of pamphlets provided by Girl Scouts of America? No? You never even got the pamphlets? Okay. You weren't alone. A generation ago, doing and saying nothing to kids about sex was the order of the day.

I was one of the lucky ones because I at least got the One Big Talk. I remember squirming in my seat as I watched my father squirming in his to a much greater degree. The only thing he said that has stuck with me to this day was: "When it gets hard, don't touch it. Eventually it'll go down." (I subsequently learned through experimentation that if instead, I touched it at every opportunity, it'd still go down, but I'd feel great in the process!) After that, he never mentioned sex again.

I never faulted my father for his inability to talk freely about sex. I simply assumed that his father had never talked to him. At least my father was trying. In fact... he did his best.

A generation later there are encouraging signs to suggest that parents are becoming a little more comfortable talking to kids about sex, including masturbation. Instead of advising kids not to do it, more and more parents are nodding their approval while explaining that exploring one's body is a private activity better carried out in the bedroom. Go parents! Still, the notion of The One Big Talk lingers.

"My son's only nine," a single mom recently told me. "We haven't talked about sex yet because he hasn't asked any questions. I guess I just want to keep him innocent as long as possible. Is it okay to wait?"

I smiled, rolled up my sleeves, and told her I wanted to challenge a couple of assumptions.

First, innocence, as she was using the term, presupposes that kids are not yet sexual when in fact, we are all sexual from the instant we're conceived. (It's a water park in there and a hot tub combined!) Babies clearly possess the ability to feel both pleasure and excitement, with boy babies' anatomies providing compelling evidence. If kids are breathing, they're sexual. It's our job to acknowledge their excitement and to help them find appropriate paths to exploration.

Second, kids hunger for any information that informs them about who they are and blissfully gobble up everything we tell them about sex. However, kids rarely instigate sexual conversations, tricking us into believing they're either not ready or not interested. Once in a while we'll field a question or two, but for the most part, kids remain mum on the subject. Why? Because we haven't brought it up. Since we talk about everything else, kids conclude that there's something different about sex-something spooky and sinister. We have to do the initiating-not once-but in an on-going series as we'd talk about anything else of great importance-like food, and baseball. Sometimes conversations will be sparked by something we and our kids read or see on TV. Other times, we need to say, "Let's talk." If we wait until we think they're ready to handle The One Big Talk-as if sex is so insignificant it can be treated as a one-time learning event-we've waited too long. By then, they've already acquired lots of information-some good and some not-so-good.

Third, talking to kids about sex should be FUN! But it only becomes fun with practice. Remember: practice leads to competence, and competence leads to confidence. By initiating sexual conversations often, you'll be amazed at how well all the practice pays off, instilling in you a relaxed confidence whenever you broach the subject. Talk about sex with kids as soon as they come home from the hospital https://igettalk.com/. Initiate often. Look for opportunities, and when you don't find them, create them. If you do, you'll dispense with the burden of The One Big Talk and share a lifetime of happiness, talking with kids about one of life's greatest joys.

Have you ever said to your partner the age old phrase, "We need to talk?" If your marriage has ever been in trouble, I'm sure you've had the conversation that we all dread having with our spouse, and it almost always causes more problems than it fixes.

The "Big Talk" is that heart to heart one you have about the problems in your relationship. You two will talk about the problems that are going on, your partner will suddenly understand your point of view, things will instantly start to improve, and your marriage will be better than it's ever been before. I hate to be the one to break it to you but that talk is not going to go the way you want it to. If you're truly asking yourself, "How do I save my marriage," trust me, this approach is not the way to do it.

This is why the "big talk" doesn't work: The reason why marriages get into trouble is because of a lack of connection. Somewhere along the way you and your partner start to feel disconnected. You and your spouse stopped doing things together that you used to love doing. You forget that you used to do things when you were dating that you just don't do anymore. Life gets busy and stressful, so love and romance seem to go out the door, and that connection that you once had...breaks.

So when it comes time for the "big talk," there's very little intimacy, connection or love left. You might as well be having that talk with a stranger. You have to be connected to your partner for them to care about your feelings and for them to want to work on changing the relationship. If there's no connection, there's no motivation to change anything for the better.

The "big talk" is not going to change anything. It's actually a recipe for disaster. You can play how that conversation is going to go over and over, thousands of times in your head. It won't make a difference. If there's no connection or intimacy your partner is not going to respond well even if you're wanting to have this talk is well intentioned.

I'm not saying that you don't ever talk. What I'm saying is that you need to spend time reconnecting with each other first before you have the "big talk." Get back to doing things you used to love, do things you used to do when you were dating, send flowers, e-cards, etc. Get to know each other again. You are going to wind up building intimacy this way and reconnecting with each other. Once that happens, then you can have that talk, but by then, it won't be so big anymore. This is the first step in answering that question, "How do I save my marriage?" Everything else gets easier from here.

If things are already past this point, you're going to need a stronger approach to get your marriage back on track.

There is a powerful and proven method that can get your marriage back on track, even if you and your spouse can't communicate about anything! Even if you are the only one who wants to work on it.